I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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