my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
