She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
