I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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