Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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