I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
