Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
