Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
