community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
