the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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