Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
