I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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