sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
