I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
