You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
