I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
