Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
