:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
