I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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