just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
