He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
COCAINE IS GR8
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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