it was like his penis was on wheels.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
we should paint friendship bongs
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