sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
ttyl tear gas
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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