remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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