Sponge bath it is.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
