just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
