So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
