Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
