somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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