So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
