never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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