I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
