so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
