i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We are all done wearing pants today
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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