I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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