his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
