I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
