dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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