so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
