turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
ttyl tear gas
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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