Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
