She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
