I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
