I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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