You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
