it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
