I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
