So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
