Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
