i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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