first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
