I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
