Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have fence marks all over my body
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
